Virtually but not Absolute
by Flyleaftwin
Summary: Ichigo and Rukia dream of starting a family, but after years of trying fate does not seem to be on their side. When Rukia is diagnosed with endometriosis all chances of them having a child are reduced to virtually zero and their hopes of a large family destroyed. Can they weather the disappointment or will this cruel new development destroy their love? AU/One Shot


**This is just a quick one-shot using the prompt ****pregnancy as a guideline. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Kubo**

* * *

Ichigo Kurosaki sat looking into the bottom of his quickly emptying glass. The orange liquid dull and muted by the lighting in the dingy bar he was sitting in. He swirled the dregs and downed it in one, shivering from the harsh bitter taste that burnt his throat as it slipped down. He gestured with his head to the barman who was cleaning the same glass over and over with a filthy rag. He made his way to Ichigo and poured him another glass of the same amber substance before setting the bottle back under the counter again. Ichigo grunted his thanks as the man went back to cleaning the glass and Ichigo went back to staring into the depths of his glass hoping for some comfort there.

He'd stumbled into this bar almost by accident, his feet and hands numb from the cold and his brain reeling from the news he'd received. He'd almost laughed at how perfectly stereotypical the setting was; he half expected the old bartender to ask him about his problems any second now. But he was glad he didn't, he didn't want to talk about his problems, not when it was still so fresh, not when it was still so damn raw. So he just contended himself with his drink and allowing the burning sensation he had when drinking it to dull his other listless senses.

As he took another acerbic drink he thought about how he ended up here and how he really shouldn't be sitting in this dive, he should be at home comforting his wife. But he couldn't bring himself to move, to pick his weary body up and leave, he was just so tired.

* * *

-Flashback-

The pair stepped off the bus into the harsh winter morning. Rukia's hands immediately began to rub themselves together until a much larger hand took them and warmed them instead. She looked up at Ichigo's face, he was pale, but she could see how rosy his cheeks were from the nippy wind and she smiled reassuringly up at him.

"You nervous?" She asked as his other hand joined the one holding both of hers and they stood in the middle of the street just warming the others hands, ignoring everyone around them.

"Che, of course not," he scoffed, but his arrogant smirk didn't quite meet his eyes and she rose one amused eyebrow. His face fell slightly before he admitted what she was feeling too, "I'm terrified," he said lowly and her hands clenched in his reflexively.

She turned her gaze away from his, dropping her eyes to their entwined hands. She took a deep breath, but it wasn't as steadying as she had hoped and it wasn't until one of Ichigo's hands left hers to tilt her chin up did she feel something other than downright fear.

"Hey, it's gonna be fine, you know that right?" He said with a soft smile, the one reserved for her and her alone.

"How can you be so sure?" She said in a small voice that she cursed inwardly at, wishing she was strong like him.

"I just know it, I've got a really good feeling okay?" He said before he laced his fingers with hers and tugged her along behind him. "Come on, let's get this over with so we can laugh about all this after." He said as she returned his smile with one of her own, her heart beating less frantically in her chest and suddenly not as worried as before. He always did have a way of making her feel at ease.

They were waiting in a spacious office on the fourth floor with an incredible view of the city and the forest beyond it. There were medical degrees and such adorning the wall behind the massive wooden desk that they were sitting at. Ichigo was sitting carefree in the leather backed chair, his legs stretched out in front of him. To the naked eye he looked relaxed and calm, but Rukia knew better. Every now and then his right leg would shake in anxious tension and his hand would run roughly through his orange locks. Rukia felt like she might throw up at any moment. Her legs were tucked neatly under the chair, her hands clenching and unclenching her bag as they waited for the specialist to see them.

After months of tests they had finally been referred by their own doctor to the hospital for more tests and two days ago they'd received a phone call to attend this urgent appointment. Needless to say it had been a nerve racking two days. Ichigo exhaled loudly beside her and she glanced in his direction. His face was set into a deep frown, his face pale compared to his normal tan complexion. His usually warm amber eyes were darting nervously around the room and his leg was shaking again. Rukia looked away, he wasn't making her feel any better.

Just when she thought she couldn't take the oppressive silence anymore, a middle aged woman with black hair set in a braid down the front of her slender body walked in giving the pair a warm smile. Rukia tried to return it, but her mind was quickly analyzing the doctor; did she look anxious? Did she look happy? Did she look like she had bad news? Or good news? Rukia's mind would not rest as the woman took her seat behind the desk in front of them. Rukia swallowed convulsively.

"Hello Mr and Mrs Kurosaki," The woman said kindly giving the pair another smile as she pulled a chart out of her desk and placed in front of her.

"Kuchiki," Rukia said at once trying to ignore Ichigo's audible groan beside her. The doctor's eyebrow rose imperceptibly.

"Oh, forgive me," She said, "Mr and Mrs Kuchiki," She added as Ichigo sat up straighter in his chair.

"It's Kuchiki-Kurosaki," Ichigo added gruffly as he shot Rukia a dark look and she returned it with a smug smile.

She still remembered the day after they had come back from their honeymoon and Ichigo had been too lazy to go with her to the registry office so as punishment she had decided to keep the Kuchiki part in her name and just tack Kurosaki onto the end. When she'd told Ichigo he had been furious, storming the house demanding that she change it. Needless to say the next day he was down at the registry office changing his name to Kuchiki-Kurosaki. She could still remember the look on her brother's face, half pride half disgust knowing that Ichigo had just been made a Kuchiki. It was still one of her favorite things to bring up to annoy Ichigo with.

The doctor chuckled lightly at the exchange before she spoke, "Ah I see," She said in the same kind voice as Rukia tensed again, the moment of smug joy long gone. "I'm Doctor Unohana, head of gynecology here at Karakura General, I asked you here to discuss the tests you underwent." She glanced down at the sheet in her hand as Rukia gripped her bag tighter and her heart pounded loudly, almost painfully, in her chest.

"Firstly," she began, and Rukia was glad she wasn't beating around the bush about this, "the good news," She said as the pair shared a quick look, Ichigo's eyes were wide in apprehension and fear and the small smile of comfort he tried to give Rukia was almost laughable. They turned back to the doctor as she continued to talk, "So after some extensive tests, we have ruled out that there is anything wrong with your fertility rate," She said directing the statement at Ichigo and Rukia could practically see the relief crossing his features as they both held their breaths. "There is nothing wrong with your sperm count, or with the quality of your sperm. The rest of your reproductive organs are working fine," She added as Ichigo let out a relieved sigh and the tension eased off his shoulders at the doctors words. Rukia wasn't so appeased however, she could sense something bad, the 'but' that was about to come and ruin her world at any minute, and sure enough the doctor's face had turned to hers and Rukia saw there what she had been dreading the first moment she had received the call. Pity.

"There is bad news however," She said as Ichigo's head snapped to hers again, his shoulders taut once more and Rukia was now biting the inside of her cheek so hard it was beginning to bleed. "After examining all of your test results and x-rays, we have been able to ascertain why you haven't been able to conceive." She said, her eyes now fixed solely on Rukia's violet ones. "Unfortunately, the evidence all points to an acute form of endometriosis." She said sadly as Rukia sucked in a huge breath.

"What does that mean?" Ichigo quickly asked for her benefit his questioned hurried as his eyes swept the face of the doctor and the paler face of his wife.

"Endometriosis is actually quite a common condition that affects a lot of woman," Unohana began as Rukia watched on still biting furiously on her raw cheek. "Despite that, there isn't any conducive reasons for what causes it, nor is there a cure. I have some leaflets here that will go into greater detail to help you understand." She passed the leaflets to Ichigo's shaking hand before she folded her fingers together and continued talking. "It is possible to become pregnant with endometriosis, but it can cause many complications," She said before Ichigo cut across her.

"But we could still have a baby?" He asked hurriedly, his voice laced with desperation and even worse a morsel of hope, he knew a little bit about the condition from his studies but Unohana was the expert. The older woman sighed and then smiled sadly at the pair.

"Unfortunately, the form you have is very aggressive, any eggs you produce are automatically destroyed because of damage to your fallopian tubes. The chances of you becoming pregnant are virtually zero."

The doctor's mouth was moving, Rukia was sure she was saying something, but the only thing she could hear, that she was truly certain off was the sound of her blood rushing to her head. Her vision was blurry, from a lack of oxygen or something else she wasn't sure. She knew Ichigo had taken her clenched hand in his, but she couldn't feel it, she couldn't feel anything. She'd failed. She'd failed him.

It wasn't until the Doctor had actually stood up and walked around the massive desk and leant down into Rukia's face was she able to focus on the words that she was saying. "I'm very sorry," The kind woman said, her face awash with pity and sympathy that made Rukia want to run very far away. "If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to call me." And with a squeeze of Rukia's unoccupied hand she left the reeling couple to themselves.

Ichigo let out a shaky breath as he ran his hand through his hair, the other still trying to coax Rukia's fingers into relaxing. He glanced at his wife, her face was white, and her eyes standing out on her face so vividly that it took what little breath he had left completely away. Her eyes were awash with so many complex emotions he wondered how on earth she could stand it. He could see her fear, her anger, her disappointment, her shame, and no sooner had the emotions been there they were gone. And her violet eyes were dull and void and just as blank as the rest of her face.

"Rukia," he began his voice painfully choked, as she didn't even acknowledge him at all. He didn't say anything else; he didn't know what to say, what could possibly take that look of her face.

Rukia pulled her hand out of his, it wasn't rough, or in disgust, but the feeling was there, she was ashamed she'd let him down, she didn't deserve his love, the comfort that he brought. Not after what she'd done, what her body had done. If it bothered him he didn't let it show as she stood on two shaky legs, her bag slipping carelessly over her shoulder as Ichigo stood as well. His hands shoved deep into his pockets his body slouched in defeat. She led the way out of the office, ignoring the all too knowing smiles of the grey haired receptionist and into the elevator, Ichigo following dutifully behind her, ever present, ever constant just like her shadow.

She stood rigidly in the middle of the lift while Ichigo slumped heavily against the wall as if exhausted. She could feel the tension so acute between them that it threatened to tear down the walls of ice she had quickly put up to protect herself, her eyes burning but not releasing what they so desperately wanted to. She walked quickly, almost purposefully out of the elevator, through the busy waiting area and into the cold afternoon, the wind nipping at her face and fingers but she didn't feel it, she couldn't feel anything.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Ichigo pull out his phone and with as much composure as she could manage she turned to him, "What are you doing?" She asked, his eyes looked up in shock as she actually spoke to him.

He coughed slightly before he answered, "I'm going to call my Dad and tell him we can't go for dinner tonight," He said with a shrug, his eyes unable to hold hers for long and the bitter taste in her mouth only intensified, she didn't blame him for being disgusted at her.

"Why?" She asked back, her voice almost painfully bland.

"I don't really fancy having a nice family get together, do you?" He answered back roughly, his anger lacing his words. She flinched inwardly but let it be absorbed by the ice around her heart.

"Ichigo, your father organized this dinner weeks ago. It was the first time all of us were free to get together, including the twins. We can't cancel now just because we got a bit of unwelcome news." She said as she swallowed the lump in her throat down and he scoffed and turned away from heard him repeat 'unwelcome news' as if he'd just received a horrible insult and was testing the words again to see just how truly awful they were.

"Fine, whatever," He said as he began to walk away and take what was left of her strength with him.

Ichigo sat staring blankly at the fork he was twirling absentmindedly in his fingers. So far dinner had been a terrible affair, his father his usual idiotic self. Yuzu had made a wonderful meal, but it just tasted like ash in his mouth and he'd watched as Rukia merely picked at hers. He wished she'd look at him, let him tell her that everything was going to be alright, but the dead look in her eyes and the hollow sound in her voice made him feel like being less of a man and just breaking down in tears. He didn't know how she could stand it, he found it so hard to keep eye contact with her; when they'd left the hospital and she'd told him not to cancel on dinner she had just looked so lost that it had physically hurt him. And the way she'd said 'unwelcome news' as if she'd just been told that he'd used the last of the milk was like a knife in his gut and he had never felt more hopeless, never felt more helpless. He sighed deeply and dropped the fork from his listless fingers.

"What the hell's up with you two?" Karin asked as she heard him sigh, he resisted the urge to do so again and merely shrugged as Rukia said nothing at could practically see her pull up all her walls and put on that sweet sugary voice that he hated, sure enough;

"Oh nothing Karin, I suppose we're just tired," She said, her voice as sweet as honey and he rolled his eyes and looked disinterestedly away, he didn't know how she could act as if nothing was wrong when everything was.

"Oh, tired you say?" His father said, his eyes shinning with mirth, "Tired from spending too much time in the bedroom working on making me grandchildren eh?" The question, oh so innocent, but the effect instantaneous as if he had just slapped his son and daughter-in-law across the face. Ichigo froze completely in place, his body tensed, his muscles strained, and his frown so deep it was giving him a headache. Rukia on the other hand stood up from the table, her face contorted in barely disguised agony.

"What's wrong Rukia?" Yuzu tried as the young woman's face flashed with so many emotions Ichigo felt like he was drowning as he watched. She glanced up and finally met his eyes and his jaw dropped as he saw everything she was feeling and he knew in that moment that as bad as he felt it was nothing compared to how she did. Her eyes widened slightly and for a heart stopping moment he wondered what she saw in his eyes.

"I just remembered that I forgot to do something, thank you for a lovely dinner," She said hurriedly, extracting herself from the table and out the door before he could even take a breath. The only sound breaking the sudden silence was the sound of the front door snapping shut, Ichigo's slow exhale and a now incredibly concerned Isshin asking, "Was it something I said?"

The table remained frozen in time until Karin broke it; "What just happened?" Her now worried eyes glancing between her father and her brother. Ichigo sighed, he knew he should have went after Rukia, but he just couldn't find the strength to do it, she'd taken what little he had left with her.

"Son?" Isshin asked with uncharacteristic seriousness, "What's going on?" He added as Ichigo finally turned his dull eyes to the anxious ones of his father.

"We uh," Ichigo coughed to clear his suddenly dry throat, "we went to the doctors again, for the results of the tests we had, to find out why Rukia couldn't get pregnant," Another cough this one a little more forceful, it kept the pain momentarily at bay. "She has endometriosis," He said after the momentary pause, no explanation needed, his father was a doctor after all and the widening of his black eyes was enough for Ichigo to know that he understood. "She can't have kids." He added to the table as Karin's mouth dropped in shock and Yuzu's eyes watered instantly, the tears that Rukia and Ichigo should have shed slowly dripping down her face.

It was a well-known fact that Ichigo and Rukia had only one goal in life, to have a family. They'd talked about it non-stop since even before they'd got married. It took Ichigo by surprise but then again anything to do with her normally did. He'd never seen himself as a father, in fact during his teens the concept was one of nightmares. But then when he'd turned eighteen and he'd met Rukia, suddenly all of his priorities had changed, she'd broke all of his rules and replaced them with the ones she wanted him to follow, and he had willingly. He had thought of nothing but having a life with her, marrying her, having a big family with her. He'd wanted it all, and for the last five years since they'd got married they had tried. She was an artist by trade, so it wouldn't have affected her work much and he was nearly finished medical school and had always been good at juggling schoolwork and family commitments. But as each month passed concern and fear began to set in. They tried everything, every old wife's tale, every trick in the book but none of it worked. They had gone to test after test, taken drug after drug but none of it helped. Rukia had drank special teas, he'd stopped eating spicy food, they had tried so hard but to no avail, and now they knew why.

"I don't know what to say Ichigo," His father said finally after the only sound came from Yuzu's whimpering, " I'm sorry," He added as Ichigo turned his eyes full of misery to his fathers.

"I don't know what to do dad," He said suddenly sounding less like a twenty five year old man and more like a five year old boy, "I don't know how to make it all better," His face contorted as he spoke and he had to suck in a huge amount of air. "I can't even get her too look at me never mind talk to me and even then I have no idea what the fuck I'm supposed to say to take that look of her face and convince her that it doesn't matter." His voice broke as he ran his hand painfully through his hair, tugging on the strands as if it would take away the helplessness he was feeling. His father coughed and his sisters exchanged a glance.

"Ichigo, Rukia isn't one to ask for help," His father said as Ichigo gave a short bitter laugh of acknowledgment, "But she needs it, just be there for her. She's acting tough now, but you need to be there for her when she breaks." He finished as Ichigo clenched his fists, his nails biting into his palms.

He had left his fathers house soon after that and had walked - Rukia had taken the car - until he finally stumbled into the bar he was in and had downed half a bottle of whiskey. He sighed heavily as he fished into his pocket and threw down enough money to cover his tab and a tip before he walked sluggishly to the door and out into the bitter cold night, instantly drawing his coat closer around him. His feet knew the way home, he was glad of it, because his mind was playing of the events of the day and it was all he could do to just keep going. He still had no idea what he was going to do, his fathers words _"you need to be there for her when she breaks"_ kept playing over in his mind and he was scared, more scared than he'd been going to the damn appointment in the first place.

* * *

His feet finally led him to the front door of their apartment, and he searched quietly in his pocket for his keys. It was late, he could tell from how high the moon was, how silent the streets were. Finally after a few moments of searching he pulled the keys out and put them gently into the lock, a soft click signifying his success in unlocking the door. He opened it quietly, before shrugging his coat off and slipping out of his shoes leaving them at the door. He stepped into the living room and noticed that all the lights were off, Rukia must be in bed. Part of him was glad and part of him was disappointed that she hadn't waited up for him like she normally would when he was out. She'd be sitting on the couch, her hands and face covered in paint as he would stumble in after a night out with the other interns and she would glorify in his misery as he tried to stop everything from spinning.

He made his way silently across the small apartment, his eyes glancing at the house listings they had been looking at, they needed a bigger place to start a family after all. His jaw clenched tightly as he looked away and finally made it to their closed bedroom door. He rested his hand on it before he took a deep breath and opened the door quietly and slipped inside. The only light came from the moon shinning through the cracks in the blinds, the rays illuminating the sleeping figure of his wife. Her face hidden from him behind her black hair and he felt his eyes burning in shame. He should have been there for her tonight.

He shrugged off his clothes until he was in his undershirt and boxers and climbed carefully into bed. The first thing he noticed was that Rukia's back was to him, she never slept with her back to him, he once told her that he loved that her face was always the first thing he saw in the morning and she'd made a conscious effort to always sleep facing him. But now, she was turned away from him and he finally let one tear roll down the side of his face and on to his pillow. He knew he shouldn't cry, it wasn't the end of the world, they could always try surrogacy, adoption or even fostering. After all Rukia had been through fostering so it wouldn't be such a bad idea, but he felt like he'd lost something. Which was stupid because it was obviously something that he could never have. But it was hard, the pain so raw as if he had actually lost a real child, but in a way he had, all the children that they had wanted they never could. And it wasn't fair. That was the last thought he had before he finally closed his eyes and fell into an uneasy sleep broken by the sounds of babies crying.

* * *

Two weeks. That's how long it had been since that fateful day and it had been two weeks of stony silences and awkward conversations. Rukia was getting ready for her part time job down at the local supermarket. Her fingers moved swiftly over the buttons of her blouse until it had been properly fastened and she was ready to go. Ichigo was out, he had class until late on a Thursday and even then he'd been staying out later and later each night. She knew why, and she didn't blame him of course, he must hate her.

She pulled on her shoes and begged herself not to go there again, more than once she had shamefully broken down mourning the loss of their hopes and dreams and the subsequent wedge that had been forced between them. She had always thought that their love could cope with any eventuality, but now it seemed to be cracking under the immense strain placed on it. She couldn't look at him. Not without seeing how badly she had hurt him on his face. She barely spoke to him; scared he would say the words that she knew that he was thinking. She had barely even said his name; no good mornings, no goodnights, no declaration of love. She just couldn't do it. When he spoke she answered, when he tried to start up a conversation she engaged but that was it.

She went to bed before him, and rose before him, she couldn't, wouldn't let him touch her and she knew that he was probably grateful of that fact. That he didn't have to put on some show that he actually cared about her anymore. She grabbed her purse and coat and made her way outside, the cold biting at her face and fingertips. She had been exhausted lately, she knew it was stress and the fact that she was barely sleeping, waking up every few hours and minutes at night, but it was really getting to her, she wanted nothing more than to go home and crawl into bed and sleep forever, but she couldn't she had to go and sit on a checkout for the next four hours. She shook the dizziness and exhaustion from her system and plowed on trying to ignore the fatigue and just get through this damn shift.

Work had dragged by and she'd had to serve some strange customers. Her feet were sore and her back was aching, she must have pulled it funny when lifting something heavy. She practically crawled home, her eyes trying to force themselves shut. She normally got a shower after work and since it was only 9 it was probably too early to go to bed, but she didn't care, she was going to crawl into her bed and stay there until she wasn't tired anymore, or just stay there forever. She climbed the flight of stairs up to their apartment and groggily forced the key into the lock, a soft click signaling she'd opened the door. She pushed it forward and stumbled into what she thought would be dark apartment. Instead all the lights were on and she could hear Ichigo moving about in the kitchen.

"Rukia?" a voice called to her as she pulled off her shoes and coat leaving them beside the door. Ichigo walked out of the kitchen, a dishcloth in his hand and smiled a small little thing in her direction. She didn't return it. "Hey, I made you dinner," He said, hand nervously scratching the back of his neck. She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment.

"I'm not very hungry, I'm just going to go to bed." She said beginning to move away from him.

"Rukia, please," His voice begged her, she half turned back to him, Ichigo never begged. He looked so lost standing there, and for the first time in two weeks she met his eyes and her breath left her body. The hate she was expecting wasn't there at all, just complete unconditional love and adoration. The kind reserved only for her. She sighed again before she spoke.

"Let me just get changed okay?" It was the first question she had actually asked him in two weeks and he latched onto it like a lifeline, his face lifting briefly from the darkness.

"Of course," He said almost happily back and she had to walk away from him, the look on his face was too much for her.

Ichigo had made her favorite, but she had no appetite for it. They ate in silence, the first time they actually sat down together for two weeks. She knew Ichigo was nervous, the tell tale knee shaking, the biting of his nails, the forced conversation that she could barely make back. Finally after half an hour of this torture, Ichigo dropped his fork of his own half finished meal and sighed wearily.

"Rukia, would you talk to me." It wasn't a question more like a statement and a quick glance in his direction showed how tense he was, she looked quickly back down to her uneaten food.

"I am," She said after a few moments of silence and she saw from behind her downcast eyes Ichigo's hands clench into fists.

"No, you're not. You won't talk to me, you won't let me help you. Please Rukia, I just want to help you." She saw his hand flinch as if he was going to touch her and she was glad that he didn't, she didn't deserve that.

"There's nothing to talk about," She said refutably standing up from the table and grabbing her plate and glass. She could practically hear his growl of frustration.

"Dammit Rukia," he grumbled standing up as well and moving around to stand beside her. She flinched when he touched her and she nearly dropped the dishes she was holding. She stumbled back from him and into the kitchen dropping the plate and glass down into the sink while trying to catch her breath before she was swung round by two large hands on her shoulders.

"Look at me." He demanded as she fixed her eyes resolutely on his chest. "Look at me." It was more forceful this time, his voice sounded dark and foreboding, so much so that she broke her vow not too look at him and did. His eyes were two dark orbs of emotions, the normal warm amber, now a simmering gold of hurt, pain, confusion and love. She gasped at such a pained expression and tried to break free of his vice like grip.

"Let me go," She said as she tried to shrug her shoulders.

"No," He held on tighter, so much so she was sure that he was bruising her. "You're not the only one who's hurting Rukia, I understand what you're going through-" He began to say before she stopped squirming and angrily glared at him. She'd promised not to say anything, but she couldn't stop the words from tumbling out.

"How dare you!" She spat angrily and he recoiled slightly, "You have no idea what I'm going through." Her eyes were burning shamefully now, and she was terrified she'd let a tear slip down her face in front of him. She lifted her arms up and shoved his chest, hard, and he fell back, hands releasing her and hitting the wall with a grunt.

His eyes snapped back to hers as she stepped closer, her emotions running amok through her. "I know that you're hurting. Don't throw that back in my face. I know that this is my f-fault." She choked on the last word and turned away from him, arms rising to protect herself as she cradled her body and bit her lip to stop the sob from escaping. She heard Ichigo move off the wall behind her and she stepped further away from him.

"This isn't your fault Rukia," He said, his voice sounding constricted as he spoke. "It's just one of those things. I don't blame you, there is nothing you could have done to prevent this," He said quickly, the words sounding almost shaky as he took a tiny step closer.

"You don't know that," she whispered in response as he moved so that her back was brushing his chest. "I failed you," She added, so quietly this time that she was sure he didn't hear it. But he let out a strange sound, something akin to a gasp and a whimper and she knew that he had.

"No," He choked out and her own face contorted as she clenched her eyes shut and her arms gripped herself tighter. "No," He said more forcefully, more sure of himself. "You didn't fail. You could never let me down, ever."His hands touched her arms and for one brief moment she worried that her body might just give out completely. His fingers closed over her own fingers and she let out a pained gasp as he drew her closer to himself.

"But I did," her voice came out like a squeak and she could no longer deny the fact that a stream of tears had been treacherously pouring from her eyes. "I failed my duty as your wife, my duty as a woman." She was practically choking now as she attempted to keep in the things that she was thinking that she didn't want him to hear. "You should h-hate me," She said as his fingers gripped her tighter. "I h-hate m-me," she added in a strangled gag as Ichigo drew in a sharp intake of breath behind her. She was suddenly turned round, face to chest with Ichigo. His hand left her arm and forced her head up to look at him and his face made her let out a pained sob. His face was lined with complete and utter agony. Tears shinning in his eyes and one actually slipping down his cheek, off his chin and down onto the hand that held her face.

"I could never hate you," He said in a much stronger voice than she could imagine. "I love you Rukia. I promise we will get through this, together. You can push me away all you want but I am always going to be by your side, for better or worse remember?" His words did break now and another tear rolled as her own eyes blurred until all she could see was his ridiculous hair and his arms that were completely around her as she clutched his chest as sobs of unshed anguish threatened to complete consume her.

He was saying incoherent words to her as one hand stroked her hair and the other held her limp body up and onto what was left of her sanity. She was shaking so badly and gripping onto his shirt so tightly that she was probably ripping it. She felt his hand move from her hair until it was around her body and he was picking her up like a child. This thought made her sob harder and she was gasping for air as he carried her gently into their bedroom. She didn't let go as he walked, her head buried into his chest, his heart beating almost erratically in his chest. It was stupid, she knew it, to get so upset over this, so they couldn't have kids, it wasn't the end of the world. But it felt like it. And Ichigo's sweet ministrations told her that it must have felt the same way for him as he gently set her down on the bed.

She sniffed as he pulled back from her slightly, tipping her chin up again with just a finger and smiling sadly at her.

"We'll be okay Rukia," he said as his thumb wiped the tears under her eyes away and she had to close them to stop looking at the complete and utter hope in his face that made her self loathing all that much worse. She had hurt him deeper than she thought she ever could and she hadn't even meant to. But he was still here, still filling her with such love that she couldn't breathe.

"I'm sorry," she choked as she buried her head in his chest again and his arms cradled her protectively, "I'm so sorry Ichigo," She whispered, his name finally coming from her lips like a poet spews a sonnet and his arms tightened imperceptibly around her.

"Don't," he said, his voice sounding tight again. "Don't ever apologize for this," He said as he twisted their bodies so that they were lying on their sides on the bed and by some miracle he was pulling the blanket over them and holding her so safe and secure in those strong arms of his that she fell into the first proper sleep she had had for two weeks.

"Good night Rukia," She heard just before the darkness took her.

"Good night Ichigo," she managed back as she felt his lips on her forehead and one last tear squeezed itself out of her eye only to be kissed away by Ichigo's waiting lips.

* * *

It had been four weeks since that day and two since Rukia had completely broken down in front of him. Things had gotten marginally better. She would at least look at him now, speak to him, actually say his name. She had resumed sleeping facing him, albeit most nights she actually slept in his arms, he knew it was the only way she could sleep peacefully, after all it was the same for him. That night had been one of the worst in his life. The look on her face had been one of the hardest things he had ever had to witness and he prayed that he would never have to see again. She had looked so broken and he finally knew what his father was talking about those weeks ago. She did break down and she did need him. The idea alone was enough to make his head spin and his heart throb painfully in his chest. He still didn't know what to say, she still had that dead look in her eyes and she still wasn't dealing very well.

She thought she was hiding it, but he knew her so well by now that she couldn't. Several things had him very concerned about his wife recently. Firstly, the fact that she could barely stomach food these past few weeks. She was barely eating and when she did, she ran straight to the toilet to throw it back up. It must have been the stress, her body was still reeling from the news and she couldn't settle. So he'd just hold her hair for her, rubbing his hand across her heaving back until she stopped. She was tired looking, dark bags under her eyes contrasting horribly with her normally incandescent skin. He knew she'd been sent home from work, she hadn't told him that she'd been so dizzy and light headed that she had nearly passed out. A work colleague of hers had bumped into him and asked how she was, needless to say he had been very confused and very cross with his wife.

But the worst thing was that she had stopped painting. She hadn't touched a brush in weeks, her studio becoming dusty from lack of use. This was completely unlike her, normally she would be in there rain or shine, night or day. Sometimes he would have to forcibly lift her from the room and bring her to bed because she was so absorbed in her work. So to be avoiding it now was just another thing for him to worry about and to sleep worse for over.

She hadn't kissed him yet either. This wasn't really an issue, he did miss the normally very active sex life they had but he knew that she was still hurting and that was the last thing on her mind and his too if he was honest. At least she had stopped flinching every time he kissed her. The last time they had been together was the night before the appointment, she couldn't sleep and he had done his duty as her husband of tiring her out. The memory actually brought a small grin to his face, the first one in some time as he clocked out of work at the hospital. He worked as an orderly at night, while he went to university during the day, but he only had six months left before he graduated as a doctor and a position waiting for him in the A&E department of Karakura General.

He made his way home remembering that Rukia said she wasn't going to be there. She had told him that she had to do something after work, he'd thought it rather ambiguous but didn't push the matter. Talking to her was still such a careful affair and he didn't want to push too far and risk upsetting her further.

* * *

She was waiting in the small waiting room of the doctor's office she went to. The vivacious receptionist, Orihime, had taken her name and assured her that the doctor would be with her shortly. She had flicked through a three-month-old magazine and quickly snapped it shut when an article for 'mothers and their babies' came up. She had taken to staring blankly at the ceiling trying to ward of another wave of nausea that hit her. She swallowed thickly and was thinking that she might just have to run for the bathroom when her name was called out.

"Rukia Kuchiki?" The smooth voice of her doctor rang out. Her eyes snapped to his bespeckled ones and he pushed them up the bridge of his nose.

"Still not going to call me Kuchiki-Kurosaki I see?" She said as she stood up and walked towards the smugly smiling black haired doctor.

"Firstly it is quite the mouthful, and secondly Kurosaki is still my enemy and my pride won't allow me to speak the name of that enemy." She laughed as he finished speaking, the noise foreign in her ears. Uryuu Ishida had been her doctor for the last year and long time rival of Ichigo. They had been in the same class in school, the same class in university until Ichigo took a year out to help her after her sister died of cancer.

"How are you doing Rukia?" He asked all too knowingly as he sat down behind his desk and Rukia took a seat in front of it.

"Oh you know, well enough," She said with a shrug determinedly not meeting his eyes and trying to keep her voice light and airy. She heard him sigh and the noise of his glasses being pushed up his nose.

"You don't have to lie to me Rukia, remember, doctor patient confidentiality. What you say here stays here, if you don't want Ichigo to know. I know how worried he can get, he's like a mother hen." He said with a slight hint of affectionate amusement. Rukia clamped her mouth shut and just shook her head. She was fine if she wasn't talking about it.

"Well I'm here if you want to talk, as your friend and doctor. I can't pretend to know what you are going through, all I can say is that I'm sorry." He said sincerely as she finally met his piercing blue eyes, "I'm going to guess you haven't really been speaking to Ichigo about it?" He asked as she turned her head to his, the look on her face saying it all. "I know you like to think that you're strong enough to handle this, but he's hurting too and he absolutely loves you, let him in once in while eh Rukia?" He finished with friendly chastising that she smiled lightly at. He was right; she'd have to let Ichigo in sooner or later.

"So, on to business. What can I do you for?" Uryu asked changing his tone to a much less familial one. Rukia coughed once to clear her throat before she spoke.

"I've been feeling very sick recently; vomiting, dizziness, back pain and I'm exhausted all the time." She said rhyming of her symptoms as quickly as possible. "I'm sure it's probably just stress, I haven't been sleeping very well. I was just wondering if you could give me something for it?" She added as Uryu's frown deepened before he responded.

"How long have you been feeling this way?" He asked as she thought about it.

"About four weeks?" She answered quickly.

"And have you had any other symptoms? Loss of appetite? Weight loss?" He asked, his pen scribbling furiously on the pad in front of him. Rukia frowned thinking hard.

"Yes to the loss of appetite, I don't really want to eat anymore. In fact I haven't been eating very well at all." She finished as Uryu looked up at her.

"So you've lost weight then?" He asked pen paused above the paper.

"No, I haven't lost any weight at all." Rukia said swallowing and watching as Uryu's frown deepened and the pen scribbled furiously. "What is it?" She asked, his shoulders suddenly more tense than before. He shook his head.

"It's nothing, I just find it odd that you've barely been eating but haven't actually lost any weight." He said as he turned to his computer and started typing things in.

Rukia suddenly felt very nervous, his words triggering some deep memory inside of her. Those were the exact symptoms Hisana had before she was diagnosed. Her treacherous brain said as she felt a cold sweat cover her body. Oh please don't let me have what Hisana had. She begged silently as Uryu continued to type away, unaware of her mild panicking. _How would I tell Ichigo?_ She thought as Uryu finally turned to her.

"No need to worry, I'm sure it's just stress but I'll take some bloods and a urine sample to be sure." He added as he stood up and crossed to the cupboard behind her and lifted out a needle. Rukia pulled her sleeve up and waited for Uryu to swab her arm before he found a vein and drew two vials of blood before pressing a plaster over the slightly bleeding pinprick. Next he handed her a cup and nodded in the direction of the toilet with an embarrassed cough.

Two minutes later Uryu was checking the results of her urine sample while she sat once again in the chair, he leg shaking nervously. She watched as Uryu's frown deepened and his face whitened slightly before he rechecked it. Her throat and mouth felt very dry as she watched him and her sense of foreboding only increased when Uryu stepped away pulling his gloves of with a snap and completely ignoring her as he stepped towards the door of his office.

"Miss Inoue?" He called out to Orihime the receptionist whose head immediately snapped up.

"Yes doctor Ishida?" She asked in her friendly high voice.

"Can you push my next appointment back a bit for me please?" He asked as Rukia's heart started fluttering quickly in her chest and sweat pooled on her lower back.

Uryu close the door with a click and walked back towards his desk as Rukia looked on with wary eyes. He sat down behind his desk, took a deep breath and finally turned his expressionless eyes to her.

"What is it?" She dared to ask, her heart beating so loudly now she was sure he could hear it.

"Rukia," He said his face unreadable as she swallowed again and wanted to punch him to hurry him along, "I have the results of your urine sample and I think I know what's making you sick." He said his voice level and deliberate as she waited with baited breath.

"And?" She breathed as Uryu sighed.

"I don't know how to tell you this," He said as Rukia felt her sanity slowly slipping away, "Rukia, you're pregnant." He finally said as Rukia sucked in such a huge breath she felt her head spin dangerously and she was glad she was sitting down because she was certain she would have fallen over.

"What?" She whispered in fear and shock and confusion as Uryu's, now smiling face, looked at hers.

"You're pregnant, four weeks pregnant actually." He added with another smug smile while Rukia's vision swam dangerously in front of her.

"But, but the doctor said my chances of getting pregnant were virtually zero." She said, her voice still shaking embarrassingly.

"Virtually, but not absolute." Uryu said as he stood up to walk round the table to lean against it in front of her. "I assure you Rukia that you are pregnant. We will have to monitor you very closely, your condition can cause many complications but if you take care of yourself, you and the baby should be just fine. Congratulations." He said as she shook her spinning head and closed her blurry eyes and breathed out the biggest breath of relief she ever had. She opened her eyes and stood to her feet, Uryu helping her as she shook slightly. "Now, go home and tell that stubborn headed husband of yours and I'll make you an appointment for a few days for the ultrasound." He said as he directed her towards the door and she could only thank him over and over as he laughed at her.

* * *

Getting home had been interesting. She had sat in her car for twenty minutes her heart racing wildly in her chest and her hand resting across her stomach. _Pregnant, I'm pregnant, I didn't fail, Ichigo._ It was the thought of him that finally broke her out of her stupor and with quivering fingers she turned the ignition and set off for home.

She climbed the stairs, her mind and body completely numb. Ichigo was already home when she opened the door, she could hear him in the kitchen and she walked straight to it. He was standing washing dishes by the sink and her heart leapt at the sight of him, she immediately crossed the small divide and wrapped her thin arms around his lean stomach.

"Uh, Rukia?" He asked confused but his hands still rising instinctively to rest against her arms. She could feel the coolness of his wedding band against her skin. She buried her head in between his shoulder blades and just stood there for a moment, relishing everything that made him, _him._

"What's wrong?" He asked still confused, his thumb rubbing lightly against her skin. She just shook her head and tightened her grip.

"I'm sorry," She whispered to his back, "I'm sorry I've been pushing you away." She added as his hands clenched on her arms.

"No, don't. You don't have to apologize," He said quickly as she shook her head again. He twisted his body so that he was facing her, his arms wrapping around her small form. "Hey, are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost," He asked after viewing her pale face and trembling body.

"I went to see Ishida," She said as his frown deepened on his face. "I wanted to see if he could give me something for being sick, I thought it was just stress." He seemed to sense that there was something wrong and his own tan face was paling slightly. He pulled back a little from her, his hands resting on her shoulders, his eyes burning into her own.

"And?" He probed as Rukia fought to keep her face expressionless, now she could understand why it took Uryu so long to answer her, it was kind of fun keeping him in suspense.

"It wasn't stress," She said taking a deep breath as his fingers tightened their hold.

"What is it?" He asked almost fearfully, she could see that he was thinking about Hisana too. She would put him out of his misery, soon.

"I've to go back again for more tests but he's pretty certain he knows what's causing it," She said evenly as Ichigo's eyes shone with the greatest worry and apprehension.

"Are you sick?" He finally said jumping straight to the point and she actually had to drop her head so he wouldn't see her smile. Unfortunately he must have thought this was her saying yes and he let out a low breath and she could feel his hands shaking. "Rukia, tell me, now," He demanded the fear so raw in his voice. She smiled inwardly, enough was enough; she took a deep steadying breath and looked him in the eye.

"Ichigo," She said as his eyebrows rose and his frown deepened, "Ichigo, I'm pregnant." The sentence hung in the air as if it hadn't entered his brain at all and the look on his face had made the torture all that much better and she actually laughed in relief this time as his arms dropped from her shoulders and he fell back against the kitchen sink.

"What?" He breathed almost mirroring her exactly she laughed again. Happiness and relief like she had never felt coursing through her.

"Ichigo I'm pregnant!" She said more forcefully this time as his amber eyes searched hers for the truth begging her for this not to be a lie.

"But the doctor, she said that you had virtually zero chance?" He questioned in complete disbelief so much like herself.

"Virtually but not absolute," She responded using Uryu's words as the look of incredulity finally left his face and he broke into such a smile that it completely took her breath away. He suddenly looked so much younger, like the sun itself was radiating through him and she was trapped by its glory.

"You're pregnant," He said as he finally pushed himself of the counter behind him. "You're pregnant!" He repeated again this time accompanied by such a magnificent laugh that it made tears spring to her eyes. He grabbed her in his arms and lifted her completely of the ground crushing his lips against hers while she let out a startled yelp in his mouth. He pulled away from her slightly, his face awash with happiness that was infecting her very soul.

"I love you so damn much!" He said as he span her around in his arms laughing in relief and joy. "Just wait until I tell my old man we'll never hear the end of this," He said before he kissed her again, more softly this time and she gripped onto his hair, all the weeks of fear and hurt melting completely away as his mouth moved slowly against hers. He pulled away once more and finally set her down, "You'll have to quit your part time job of course, and no painting just incase the fumes affect the baby and maybe I should take another year out to make sure nothing happens and I- Oof!" His incessant rambling was cut short when a small fist collided roughly with his stomach. Rukia was heaving in affectionate anger.

"You fool! I'm not an invalid I can still do things! And no way are you taking another year out!" She added as she cupped his face and he smiled again.

"Are you hungry? I'll make you anything you want. And after dinner I'll give you a massage, I'm going to grab your slippers" he pronounced before racing out of the room to grab them leaving a bemused Rukia in his wake. She shook her head at his antics, a fond smile curling onto her lips. This pregnancy thing was going to be a nightmare.


End file.
